Happy Halloween!

It was a year ago today. I woke up just like any normal day. I dressed in my cute halloween socks, and went to work. I had just gotten a job as a long term substitute in an AMAZING school, teaching 4th grade. The day was just like any fun Halloween day. Dressing up, party, chaos. I was feeling good, and so happy to have this job.

I was driving home when it hit me. I was late. It didn't come as much of a surprise since I am irregular, and this has happened many times before. I was on the phone with my friend who convinced me to just go get a pregnancy test "just so I can sleep". I stopped at the CVS.

Adam was in Washington DC at some work thing, and I was all alone. I dreaded taking tests. I have peed on hundreds of them, and they always left me feeling sad, mad, and stupid for even my hopes up. Only one other time in the past 4 years of "trying" had I seen the plus sign, and that ended in heartbreak. I was scared, but like Charlie opening that Wonka Bar, I wondered if I would see that special golden ticket.

I did. I couldnt believe it. Really? I sat there and cried. I called Adam. I told him not to get his hopes up, but we couldnt help it. I keep this secret in. I laid on my bed, alone. I put my hands on my belly... Be strong, Be safe, Be healthy..... I repeated over and over as I cried. I closed my eyes slept. I drempt as I have before of this beautiful baby girl, the girl that was growing inside of me.

One year later I hold her in my arms, crying on her face. Thankful for this answered prayer. This miracle who has brought unimaginable love into our lives. One year ago today, she was a teeny tiny seed- sized embryo in my uterus. Today, she holds my finger and smiles at me. It's truly amazing.

Happy Halloween friends! This is a special day to me. Olive's "second" halloween.

Here she is as an "apple". Also, we went to a halloween party the other day, and it was WAY too hot to wear, so I made this apple CORE outfit and head piece for her. Cute huh? I love the head piece.

Happy Fall!

Happy Fall!!! Here's Olive with her pumpkin!!!

Changing fast

Olive rolled from her back to her stomach for the first time on October 27th. Now, she wont stop doing it! Here is a video of it. I am so mad that its all out of focus... I havent figured out how to focus videos on my camera yet... Sorry, but it's still cute.

Also, got a picture of her first tooth. Small, but cute!

Drum Roll....

October 25th: Olive rolls from back to tummy!
I missed it, but it stil happened.


She's really getting strong and loves practicing rolling from side to side.

She also learned how to SCREAM, which is super fun..... haha

She's been very vocal too. Lots of "oooooh"'s, "ooooo"'s, "ahhh goooo"'s, and "gah"'s.

When she burps she giggles when I do a fake burp. A good sense of humor has to star somewhere I guess... hahaha

Here are some pictures of us. I realized I didn't really have many of these. I'm too busy taking pictures of her. I am also usually covered in spit up, hair pulled back, and smell bad due to lack of brushing my teeth..... Also I am just not thrilled with mt big belly here. Not like it was small before... Im working on it.... Also, I made this sweater :)

Four Months

Date of first tooth: October 17th
Date first rolled from back to tummy: October 16th

She hasn't been "herself" lately because these teeth coming through. She has one thats poked through (front, bottom, left), and one more close (front, bottom, right). She just has been a little bit more temperamental  but I know she just must be so uncomfortable. It's hard because shes teething early, and hasn't mastered putting thing in her mouth yet, so she gets frantic and frustrated until I help her. She had her 4 month check up and shots yesterday, and she did great. I'm also proud of myself for not crying like a baby this time.

Weight: 13.95 (50th percentile)
Height: 25 inches (78th percentile)

Just perfect!

Looking Back

Today I was walking through the baby store with the following items in my cart:

1. teething tablets

2. teething toys

3. spoons

4. rice cereal

5. Swaddle blanket, size LARGE

6. Size 6 month PJ's

It hit me. My baby is growing up here. My BABY is giggling at my stupid songs (Paula Abdul is a good one). My baby is standing up (with help, of course). My baby is rolling. My baby is getting a tooth. a TOOTH! 

Four months ago today this amazing little girl was this helpless (seemingly), tiny (5.12lbs), baby. She just slept all day, ate so little (and often), and only blankly stared at objects when awake. I was so hormonal and cried all the time. We woke up every 2 hours to a tiny cry of hunger, and she was super easy to soothe. The house was in total chaos. We were eating take out and deli salads. I swear I lived on chicken salad and crackers. I had a little notebook where I wrote down each feeding, each nap, and each poop. She smelled like chicken pot pie to me. Her eyes were crossed, her feet and legs were curled, and she made sucking motions in her sleep. I could hold her in one arm. Her belly button had this weird gross black thing hanging off of it, and I think I cried when it came off. 

And then there was nursing...

 Before giving birth I stocked up on everything I could possibly need to do this. I had so many books. I had pillows, pads, creams, and ice packs ready to go. Somehow I disregarded the statements in the books about breastfeeding complications due to PCOS, a hormonal disorder I was diagnosed with almost 2 decades ago. I knew my mother and sister both had breastfeeding "issues", but somehow I was convinced that I could do it. All I had to do was try hard enough. 

I was trying SO hard. I was hooked up to a pump every 3 hours, and not one drop came out. Her mouth was so tiny, and my nips were so flat (weird, never heard of this happening), I couldn't get her to latch. I would lay there with my tears falling on her tiny face. She would scream. She was hungry. I gave her formula. It took 6 days of rigorous pumping around the clock for my first drop of milk to come. I fed her what I had with an eye dropper. The guilt was heavy and strong and it dominated these first few weeks. Everywhere I looked I would see "breast is best". Its written right there on the front of the formula can, and on the bottles wrapper. What did this mean to me? I wasn't able to give my baby the best. I was a bad mom. I wasn't enough. 

I tried harder and harder. took every supplement  pill, herb, and tea out there. I took so much fenugreek that my armpits smelled like maple syrup. I saw multiple lactation consultants, who gave me nipple shields and told me to keep it up. I tried hand massaging and acupuncture  I pumped these nips till they were numb. For what? For about 5 milliliters of guilt and self loathing. Luckily I was supported by everyone in my life. but I felt that somehow everyone else judged me as I judged myself. I was afraid to feed my baby in public, nervous about getting comments from strangers. I was convinced they were all whispering things like.. "why would she give her baby all those chemicals? She must be a lazy mom who just didn't care enough or try hard enough to give her baby the best"

After a few weeks of this it occurred to me that it just wasn't worth all this work and sadness anymore. Olive was healthy, growing, and happy. What I could give her was a happy mother. I chose this. Some might still judge me secretly  or whisper behind my back in public, but you know what? I no longer care. I formula feed my wonderful and healthy baby, and I am proud of the mother I am. I am proud of me, and i'm even more proud of her. 

How far we all have come as a family in the past 4 months. Were still learning, growing, and "doing what works for us" everyday. I love this little girl so much. I love being her mom. 

4 month pictures to come....

Milestones!

I feel like she's growing faster than I can capture on film or even document. It seems like everyday there is something new! Today she was laying on her play mat and i put  a new toy (this little fabric book) next to her, then I went to the kitchen to make a bottle. When I came back, the book was in her mouth and she was on her side. I was like.... that was fast! These days it seems everything is in her mouth. Mostly her hands and fingers.  She's rolling from stomach to back, she's giggling, and she's ticklish!!!

I just love watching her grow!! Some days I wish I could just push the freeze button and keep her the same. Other times I look forward to the next amazing milestone.

She now is sleeping 8-9 hours at a time at night (ahhhhh.....), eating 6-8 oz every 3-4 hours, and weighs over 12 pounds.

This past week we traveled for the first time. We drove down to Santa Cruz to visit Adam's family. Olive and the pugs did great in the car, and had a good week. Olive got totally grumpy after a few days though. I think she just was all out of her routine, and was overstimulated. She loved spending time there with grandma though.

Here is a picture of her laying in the crib that her great- grandpa made.

Here she is looking at a picture of daddy and Aunt Erin when they were kids.

Here is a couple shots from grandma and mom's photo shoot!

Video of Smiles

I sound like a complete idiot in this video, and pay no attention to the MESS in the background (now you really will notice...), BUT, these smiles are so precious! Enjoy!!!

Miss Social

Olive has really opened up and become a little social queen! She loves smiling and cooing at people. She gives the cutest shy flirty smile, and raises one eyebrow too. So cute. Lately, she's been spending a lot of time with friends and family! Here are some pictures!


Auntie Erin came last week. This is an older picture since I am bad and didn't take any new ones... but, this one is super cute too!

My friend, Liz came by and brought Olive all these wonderful tie-dyed outfits she made! Oh, and gluten free cupcakes! Thank you!!!!!

Auntie and Uncle Carolee and DJ ("Caroleejay") have been a huge part of Olives life! We see them almost every weekend! This time they brought her this amazing toy hand puppet with piggies. Olive LOOOOVES this toy! She loves them too!

Olive spent some time with grandma Sandy this past weekend! Grandma is so sweet with her! It's amazing how much they look alike (when Sandy was a baby they could have been twins)...

Here are pictures of Olive with great grandpa Howard (on his 104th bday!)

 2nd cousin Shannon, who was visiting from Hawaii and brought her some super cute things!

Bekka and her boys really enjoyed seeing little O. They were so excited to meet her! They brought her some super cute girly clothes and fun toys! Thank you for coming!! Then we went to the petting zoo!

My mom, "grammie", reading Olive the same story she read me when I was little, The Three Little Kittens! This was very special to me and warms my heart. Olive must have known it was special because she sat so still and listened very carefully. I think she's going to be a book lover!

We love all of the people in our lives, and love sharing Olive with everyone! She is so special, and its an amazing feeling to watch the other people we love in life enjoy her so much!!!!