3 months of being a mom

It's almost been three months since I was handed this tiny, wiggly, perfect little girl.  I feel like I have spent most the three months just trying to figure everything out, and I feel like I have learned that the second I feel like I have it, the game changes and I am left totally clueless again.

Before I had a child, I really had no idea how I was going to feel on a daily basis... I dont think you can really prepare for it. Its like jumping on a roller coaster, in the dark. The ups and downs are so strong and drastic. Some days I feel like I'm on top of the world. I am a wonderful "super mom", and deserve some sort of award for having the best baby in the world. Then, other days, I feel like a twelve year old super emotional, irrational, failure, who should have her baby taken away by the goblin king. (Labyrinth anyone?)

Being a mother is so emotional. On top of being so in love with this amazing little being, I feel every single emotion stronger and harder than I have ever felt before. I can thank my good old friend, hormones for this I'm sure, but I never knew it like this. I feel worried a lot. Worried I am not doing something "right" and I'm messing up this child's life forever. I worry that I might be "this type" or "that type" of mother, and I am creating "that type" of child. Like, if the TV is on while Olive is swinging in the swing, and she's looking at the TV I get this horrible guilt feeling like... THATS IT. Now, Im going to have a TV crazed, obese child, with attention issues, and bad eye sight. Or.... I give her a pacifier. THATS IT. Now I have created an orally obsessed, buck-toothed, annoying kid who has a speech problem.  If I hold her through a nap, Im creating a dependent needy child, and if I put her down, she will be distant and not connected with me.  I dont think I really believe any of this crap, but cant help worrying about it... or feeling judged by others about it. Its just exhausting.

really?....

Im such a spazz, I know. I cant help it.

I've just decided that there is no "right" way to do everything. There is no "supposed" to do this or that. I am just going to do things the way I do them, and Olive will "turn out" just perfect. I have to do what works for us.

relax.... breath.... and dont forget to eat and pee. That's my new mom advice.


Anyways, Olive is almost 12 pounds now and growing strong. She has her first cold right now so shes grumpier than normal, but we will made it through. She slept through the night for the first time this week, and now holds her little froggy toy!

Olive holding her froggy. It is attached to her pacifier. Its great because it helps her  hold the pacifier in. cute.