Finally

I don't know if it's hormones or what, but I am just LOVING everyday with this amazing baby! I just can't express enough how wonderful I think she is! She's so happy, full of life and personality, beautiful, and funny! She really is turning into the best baby in the world! I am just loving every second of it. Right now she is laying next to me on the couch (after a nice long cuddle session) and she's just peacefully drifting off to sleep. She's been sleeping great actually. Maybe it's a growth spurt, but she slept 9 and a half hours last night, (at one time) and no less than 8 hours (at one time) this whole week! Yeah Olive!

She's just so happy. She smiles and smiles at us all day long. She would rather just sit on my lap and "talk" to me (or daddy) than anything else. She plays on her play mat, but prefers one on one "face time" for now. I can take her out and know shes going to be fine and "well behaved". I love dressing her up in cute outfits, putting hair bows on her, giving her baths, reading her stories, and cuddling with her on the couch. Sure, it isn't all fun and games. She poops, she cries, and she demands a lot (all) of my time, but I really just love doing it.

I am so thankful everyday for this little miracle. We tried for 5 years to have her. I remember laying on this very couch so many times and crying so hard it hurt because we wanted her so bad, and I was so scared it would never happen. I remember laying on this couch and feeling so hopeless and empty after losing our first hope of a child. It just wasn't fair.  I remember laying in this same spot, holding my belly, and imagining what she would look like, wondering what it would be like.  Today, I lay here, full of gratitude and love beyond words for this amazing child who has made us into a family.

Finally.

My 3 month old baby!

She's growing! It's really amazing to see her go through so many changes so quickly. One day she isn't grabbing things, and the next day, she is. It's fascinating to watch. I wonder so many things about who she will become, but I love watching who she is now!

Now is such a fun stage because when she looks at me, she smiles! She coos at me, and watches everything I do. Adam and I both just LOVE being around her. Here are some of the things she is doing now.

- smiling
-holding toys
- cooing "oooooh" is her favorite
- pushing with her legs like she's standing
- looking at everything
-startling at loud noises
- sleeping more at night (5-8 hours at a time)
- not napping as much in the day (sigh.)
- scratching her face (dang nails)

She's just so cute. Everywhere I go, people stop me and tell me how cute she is! I cant help but agree!!

3 months of being a mom

It's almost been three months since I was handed this tiny, wiggly, perfect little girl.  I feel like I have spent most the three months just trying to figure everything out, and I feel like I have learned that the second I feel like I have it, the game changes and I am left totally clueless again.

Before I had a child, I really had no idea how I was going to feel on a daily basis... I dont think you can really prepare for it. Its like jumping on a roller coaster, in the dark. The ups and downs are so strong and drastic. Some days I feel like I'm on top of the world. I am a wonderful "super mom", and deserve some sort of award for having the best baby in the world. Then, other days, I feel like a twelve year old super emotional, irrational, failure, who should have her baby taken away by the goblin king. (Labyrinth anyone?)

Being a mother is so emotional. On top of being so in love with this amazing little being, I feel every single emotion stronger and harder than I have ever felt before. I can thank my good old friend, hormones for this I'm sure, but I never knew it like this. I feel worried a lot. Worried I am not doing something "right" and I'm messing up this child's life forever. I worry that I might be "this type" or "that type" of mother, and I am creating "that type" of child. Like, if the TV is on while Olive is swinging in the swing, and she's looking at the TV I get this horrible guilt feeling like... THATS IT. Now, Im going to have a TV crazed, obese child, with attention issues, and bad eye sight. Or.... I give her a pacifier. THATS IT. Now I have created an orally obsessed, buck-toothed, annoying kid who has a speech problem.  If I hold her through a nap, Im creating a dependent needy child, and if I put her down, she will be distant and not connected with me.  I dont think I really believe any of this crap, but cant help worrying about it... or feeling judged by others about it. Its just exhausting.

really?....

Im such a spazz, I know. I cant help it.

I've just decided that there is no "right" way to do everything. There is no "supposed" to do this or that. I am just going to do things the way I do them, and Olive will "turn out" just perfect. I have to do what works for us.

relax.... breath.... and dont forget to eat and pee. That's my new mom advice.


Anyways, Olive is almost 12 pounds now and growing strong. She has her first cold right now so shes grumpier than normal, but we will made it through. She slept through the night for the first time this week, and now holds her little froggy toy!

Olive holding her froggy. It is attached to her pacifier. Its great because it helps her  hold the pacifier in. cute.