What to Expect When They are Still Not Expecting

From the title of this blog entry, you can tell this entry is very different from the rest of my blog. I wanted to write a book called What to Expect When They are Still Not Expecting at one point, but now, a blog entry will suffice.

Tonight I find myself reflecting on the past. Tonight I want to write about something I didn't speak very publicly about in the past. Something people should talk about more. I'm talking about infertility. Everyone's journey in life is so different, but for so many of us, the journey to parenthood is long, hard, and full of sadness. Unfortunately for us, this was our journey. I dont want to get into all the boring lame details because really, who cares now? What I do want to do is help anyone who has a loved one in their life who is going through this. I know that for you, all you want to do is help. You hate to see them suffering, and want to offer advice, or soothing words of encouragement.

We all know someone with this story. A sister, a daughter or son, a good friend, or a co worker. You might not even know that they are going through it. I think everyone needs to be aware of what to do to and say to these dear people in our lives. One reason I kept pretty quiet about the whole process was because I feared what people would say to me. Lets be honest people, you all say some crazy mean things, and dont even know it. Not only did I experience these comments personally, I have heard them many times from friends, and members of my local support group. Here is a list of common things said to women (could be men too..) who are trying to conceive. These 5 are all big no-no's. Take note.

What you say: What we hear: Why its bad

1. Why dont you just adopt? We hear: Clearly, you are unable to have a child. You should adopt because its so much easier. (which its not. Its extremely difficult too)

2. Just relax!!! (I cringe with this one...) We hear: You are the problem!!! If relaxing could rewind the clock 10 years, fix hormonal imbalances, create more sperm or eggs, or fix physical abnormalities then yes, relaxing would be the answer. Since it wont fix these things, you are putting all the blame on her. She is the problem..... stressed out people have babies all the time.

3. Stop trying, and it will just happen. We hear: What you are doing is clearly not working, and so stop complaining about it. The sad truth is, some people have to "try". I know, there are people out there who live in a total alternate universe where babies just come... easily. Some people actually need medication. Need medical intervention. Need to try for a while....

4. It will happen when it's supposed to happen. What the hell does this one even mean? It just makes us mad. It made me feel like.... The crack head down the road who killed her child and is now pregnant is SUPPOSED to be pregnant and you are not. Please take a number and stand in the Its-Not-Fair line.

5. Have you tried ______???? fill in the blank with what ever home remedy, sexual position, website, medication, excersise or diet plan that you desire. We hear this "Your not doing enough". Trust me. We have tried it, read blogs about it, talked to the doctor about it, and obsessed about it until we are blue in the face.

Im going to add a bonus one- NEVER, and I repeat never say how easy it was for you. Things like "all my husband had to do was breath on me and I got pregnant", "I didnt know having a baby was so complicated, it just happened the first month we tried", or "Some people just wait to long. Good thing we started early". Im not kidding, people say these things. If you want to "relate" to them even though you had a very different experience from them, then.... Dont relate to them. You dont need to relate to show empathy.


AND another bonus one. Please don't use this opportunity to complain about being a parent. I know now that being a parent is hard. It is. But, what this person does NOT need to hear is how hard your life is. To them, you have the one thing that they want so very badly. It's like a person walking out of an all you can eat buffet, who is stuffed full, saying to a starving person sitting outside "enjoy that skinny belly you have now, because being full sucks"..... SO things like "enjoy your sleep now", "travel while you can", and "enjoy life while you can", hurts. It hurts bad. First off, they are probably trying hard to relax, sleep, and enjoy life. BUT things like injections, medications, ultrasound appointments, negative pregnancy tests, and feelings of inadequacy keep getting in the way.


OK, now that I have ranted and made you all question if you ever said any of these things....
I want to clearly and simply tell you what to say. I wish it was so clear and simple, but, because each person is experiencing this differently, and in different stages of their journey, its just not that simple. The following sentence USUALLY works. I would read it, and use it if you need to.

... "Oh man, Im so sorry that your having to go through this. This must be so difficult for you. I am here if you need to talk about it, and I love you."

There we go. I swear- thats all you need to say, most of the time.

Other helpful things to say are:
"Your trying so hard!" "Your doing everything you can" and "This isnt your fault"- Those are good ones. Please feel free to add to my list. There are many kind and helpful things you can say to help. Please though, for the love of all the dear women (and men!) who have to deal with this, don't say any of those no-no's.

For me, infertility was like a dark cloud over my whole life. It was something that I went "through" and I am one of the lucky ones who made it "out" with some remaining sanity. If you are currently there, here is my advice: hang in there. Hold close to the people who support and make you feel good, and let go of the people who blame you and make you feel bad. Be strong, but its ok to feel weak. I hope that for you, you have your "happy ending", however that may be.

If you know someone close who is there. Give them a hug and tell them you love them. Listen to their concerns without judgement or opinion. You are extreemly important to them, and I know you want them to be happy.

(steps off soap box.....)