What to Expect When They are Still Not Expecting

From the title of this blog entry, you can tell this entry is very different from the rest of my blog. I wanted to write a book called What to Expect When They are Still Not Expecting at one point, but now, a blog entry will suffice.

Tonight I find myself reflecting on the past. Tonight I want to write about something I didn't speak very publicly about in the past. Something people should talk about more. I'm talking about infertility. Everyone's journey in life is so different, but for so many of us, the journey to parenthood is long, hard, and full of sadness. Unfortunately for us, this was our journey. I dont want to get into all the boring lame details because really, who cares now? What I do want to do is help anyone who has a loved one in their life who is going through this. I know that for you, all you want to do is help. You hate to see them suffering, and want to offer advice, or soothing words of encouragement.

We all know someone with this story. A sister, a daughter or son, a good friend, or a co worker. You might not even know that they are going through it. I think everyone needs to be aware of what to do to and say to these dear people in our lives. One reason I kept pretty quiet about the whole process was because I feared what people would say to me. Lets be honest people, you all say some crazy mean things, and dont even know it. Not only did I experience these comments personally, I have heard them many times from friends, and members of my local support group. Here is a list of common things said to women (could be men too..) who are trying to conceive. These 5 are all big no-no's. Take note.

What you say: What we hear: Why its bad

1. Why dont you just adopt? We hear: Clearly, you are unable to have a child. You should adopt because its so much easier. (which its not. Its extremely difficult too)

2. Just relax!!! (I cringe with this one...) We hear: You are the problem!!! If relaxing could rewind the clock 10 years, fix hormonal imbalances, create more sperm or eggs, or fix physical abnormalities then yes, relaxing would be the answer. Since it wont fix these things, you are putting all the blame on her. She is the problem..... stressed out people have babies all the time.

3. Stop trying, and it will just happen. We hear: What you are doing is clearly not working, and so stop complaining about it. The sad truth is, some people have to "try". I know, there are people out there who live in a total alternate universe where babies just come... easily. Some people actually need medication. Need medical intervention. Need to try for a while....

4. It will happen when it's supposed to happen. What the hell does this one even mean? It just makes us mad. It made me feel like.... The crack head down the road who killed her child and is now pregnant is SUPPOSED to be pregnant and you are not. Please take a number and stand in the Its-Not-Fair line.

5. Have you tried ______???? fill in the blank with what ever home remedy, sexual position, website, medication, excersise or diet plan that you desire. We hear this "Your not doing enough". Trust me. We have tried it, read blogs about it, talked to the doctor about it, and obsessed about it until we are blue in the face.

Im going to add a bonus one- NEVER, and I repeat never say how easy it was for you. Things like "all my husband had to do was breath on me and I got pregnant", "I didnt know having a baby was so complicated, it just happened the first month we tried", or "Some people just wait to long. Good thing we started early". Im not kidding, people say these things. If you want to "relate" to them even though you had a very different experience from them, then.... Dont relate to them. You dont need to relate to show empathy.


AND another bonus one. Please don't use this opportunity to complain about being a parent. I know now that being a parent is hard. It is. But, what this person does NOT need to hear is how hard your life is. To them, you have the one thing that they want so very badly. It's like a person walking out of an all you can eat buffet, who is stuffed full, saying to a starving person sitting outside "enjoy that skinny belly you have now, because being full sucks"..... SO things like "enjoy your sleep now", "travel while you can", and "enjoy life while you can", hurts. It hurts bad. First off, they are probably trying hard to relax, sleep, and enjoy life. BUT things like injections, medications, ultrasound appointments, negative pregnancy tests, and feelings of inadequacy keep getting in the way.


OK, now that I have ranted and made you all question if you ever said any of these things....
I want to clearly and simply tell you what to say. I wish it was so clear and simple, but, because each person is experiencing this differently, and in different stages of their journey, its just not that simple. The following sentence USUALLY works. I would read it, and use it if you need to.

... "Oh man, Im so sorry that your having to go through this. This must be so difficult for you. I am here if you need to talk about it, and I love you."

There we go. I swear- thats all you need to say, most of the time.

Other helpful things to say are:
"Your trying so hard!" "Your doing everything you can" and "This isnt your fault"- Those are good ones. Please feel free to add to my list. There are many kind and helpful things you can say to help. Please though, for the love of all the dear women (and men!) who have to deal with this, don't say any of those no-no's.

For me, infertility was like a dark cloud over my whole life. It was something that I went "through" and I am one of the lucky ones who made it "out" with some remaining sanity. If you are currently there, here is my advice: hang in there. Hold close to the people who support and make you feel good, and let go of the people who blame you and make you feel bad. Be strong, but its ok to feel weak. I hope that for you, you have your "happy ending", however that may be.

If you know someone close who is there. Give them a hug and tell them you love them. Listen to their concerns without judgement or opinion. You are extreemly important to them, and I know you want them to be happy.

(steps off soap box.....)

Tot on the Move~

Busy Busy Busy here! She is learning something everyday. I LOVE watching her learn! She is wanting to do everything by herself! We are settling into a "schedule" now, and things are becoming more predictable. I am too tired to write a bunch but I wanted to document some of the fun things she is doing now, along with some pictures.... Ill just do some lists....

New skills:
running, walking up small steps and doorways, eating with spoons, peeing in potty, understanding and following directions like "pick that up and throw it in the trash" or "pick up your toys and put them in the basket". blowing kisses, waving hi and bye, showing off tummy and belly button, identifying most body parts including chin and knees, closes eyes intentionally, opening and closing drawers and doors, flushing toliets....

New "words"
up, bubbles, and apple
Animal sounds: "sssssss" for snake, bababa for sheep, ba ba ba for chicken, tickiticka for rooster, woof for dog....raspberry sound for cow... dont ask.

I just love her so much!
Here are some cute pictures!

Olive modeling her "kitty dress"

pretty profile

Olive and her new friend Lucile in a wagon

First Day With a Potty

Seriously.... If you dont want to hear me talk about pee and poop, move along. As you can clearly tell from the title of this entry, it might not be something you want to read if pee and poop stuff grosses you out. Consider yourself warned.

For weeks Olive has been VERY interested in the toliet. She squats in front of me so she can watch me pee. She started making the pee sound (ppsssssss) when I go. She waves bye bye to it, and we flush. I have been talking with her about it, very casually, but her interest has gotten even stronger. I figured, lets get her a potty since shes so interested. So we went to Target today and picked one out. Nothing fancy, but she was very excited. I kept telling her its for her pee and poop.

We put it in her bathroom right across from my toliet. When I went to go pee, she came along to watch. This time I decided to put her on her potty at the same time. She saw me pee and made her pssss sound. Then, I said "Olive need to pee pee?"- and no joke, she peed. She was SO excited, but not as excited or surprised as I was. I got all excited, but knew it was probably just a random fluke.

We tried a couple more times and nothing. No big deal, of course. When she was in her bath playing, she stands up and points to her potty. "Uuuhhhh Uhhhhhhh!" She says. She continued this until I took her out and sat her on the potty. NO JOKE, she pooped. Seriously? She pushed it right on out.

I am now wondering what to do with her? I want to encourage this, but I dont want to mess her all up by pushing it. I know shes SO young for this, and I am NOT a spazzy pushy mom that wants to spend hours forcing her to potty. So....... what do I do? I ordered a couple books. I might get a potty for up and down stairs. I might ask her every now and then if she wants to go, but thats it.

I am not writing this to brag or ramble on about how amazing she is.... I just want to document the amazing event, and get some ideas and thoughts from you guys on this.

Still. I am such a proud mom of my growing girl!!!

Sorry, no poop or pee picts... Im sure your all very disappointed.

We Made It

WHEW.

The past few weeks have felt like we have been in complete survival mode. There were times (a lot of times) where I literally felt like I was standing outside in the middle of a hurricane, clutching my baby girl, with my head down, just trying to wait it out. That storm was hard and fierce, but it has let up now, and the sun is slowly coming out. I am of course referring to moving.

Moving with a one year old is rough... rough.. and rough.

Her whole little world changed, and in one day, it was all gone. Everything. Her bed, her toys, her rocking chair, her pugs, and her daddy. (He drove across with the dogs) Now, Olive is a very strong little girl, but this huge change really shook her up. In this whirwind of a storm, she clung to the only thing that remained there... me. She wouldnt let me out of her sight. I couldnt go to the bathroom. I couldnt sleep. (not well anyway) I coulnt eat without this little tot in my arms. For days she just wouldnt play. She couldnt walk away from me. My mom flew across the country and can tell you first hand how difficult it was. Poor grandma... Olive didnt want ANYTHING to do with her. At one point, she turned her back to her completely. Oh, poor mom.

She cried a lot. I cried a lot. But then, we made it here. We had no bed, we had no dishes, we had no toys. rough. At one point I had to eat a salad covered in ranch dressing, with my bare hands. I have no clue what Olive ended up eating.... we were in survival mode.

Despite all this crazy chaos, there were some really fun things about moving. boxes, bubble wrap, seeing new things, playing with gmas IPAD. Then, daddy arrived, and life got a lot happier! She really missed him. She started playing more, and sleeping a little more too.

Although she still doesnt have her clothes and toys back (thanks to UHAUL), she is starting to settle into a new "routine", and shes expanding her knowledge of the world every second of the day. She has all these amazing new skills. I dont want to bore everyone, so if you dont care about her new skills, please just skip the next boring paragraph.

If you are reading this paragraph, thank you for caring about her new  skills. hahaha
She is now obsessed with wearing my clothes and shoes, and feeding everything. Today we went to lunch and she brought her monkey doll inside, and at one point she was trying to feed it some chicken while saying "yummy yummy".... seriously precious. She also feeds her baby doll her bottle. She is also obsessed with tummies. My tummy, daddy's tummy, and her own tummy. She is also super interested in poop and pee. I thought this was a little early, but, shes interested. She wants to watch me go, and waves bye bye to it while she flushes. In the bath tub I will say "do you need to go pee pee?", then she squeezes, and pee comes out! She gets so excited about it. I think its time for a potty. (really!?) Shes a full walker now, and has dropped crawling completely. She doesnt even want to crawl up the stairs anymore and demands we help her walk up and down them. She practices walking steps and on slopes. Shes very strong and fast. Climbing is fun too..... for her.

Petting goats at the zoo

Helping daddy put together her new table.

Reading a book in her new chair.

Wearing mommy's bra, and daddy's sock. Holding the paint chip up to the wall.

New pigtails!

At the grocery store.

Making faces in the mirror.

Being really warm and loving to grandma. 

In hotel.

Up up and away on our new adventure! Ready or not!

Goodnight Room

I remember sitting in this room when I was pregnant. 

I rocked in this chair

 rubbing my belly

looking at the closet filled with pretty dresses. 

I remember holding my newborn girl. 

She was so tiny and quiet.

 In this chair.

 In this room, with her name on the wall. 

I remember looking out the window.

 Seeing the tops of houses and the golden gate.

 In this room that smelled like lavender and powder. 

In this room I rocked my girl.

This room she shared with her grandmother. 

This room I held her through the nights when she was sick. 
This room we read stories and got cozy in blankets.

This room we laughed and hid inside bookshelves.

Close your eyes, my sweet child. 

One last rock in this chair.

 In this room with your name on the wall.

Introducing Olive the Toddler!

It's official  Olive is a TODDLER! I think I have been in denial that this has happened, but today, I came to grips with the truth. We went to a place called "Habitot" today in downtown Berkeley. It was a rainy day, so the place was crawling with kids. One think that wasn't crawling? Olive. Today she woke up and decided that crawling is lame. She was walking everywhere! She was right along side the big kids, playing with toys, pushing shopping carts, splashing in water. It was then that I thought.. "ok. She's not a baby anymore".... 

Then, it was time to change her pee diaper and the bathroom was locked so I thought, "oh, theres plenty of floor room, Ill just lay her down and change her here" EHHHH wrong answer. Fast forward 30 seconds later, and a naked toddler is trying to run away from me while screaming. I sounded something like this.... "Olive! Ahh, lay down!.... Olive- ahhhh, no, no! Lay down for mama! I need to change your diaper- NO NO! ahhhh!!! SIGH SIGH" 

I am now a mother of a toddler....

We go home- she takes an hour nap and is on the go again. Im bored out of my mind and surrounded by moving boxes, so I take her out again. This time, to a place to go to a lot called Studio Grow. Usually afternoons are slow and great, but again, the rain brings in a bunch of kids... She loved it though. She went straight for the dance room and danced to some music. Then, off to the ball pit, climbing through tunnels, then pulling down magnets, then saying hi to a real baby, finding baby dolls, painting, play doah, dancing again, and blocks. What more could a toddler want? She wanted me to put this cape on her, and was so proud of it. I know she doesnt know what it means, but she found out very quickly that her cuteness increased....

Someone actually asked me if I curl her hair.... really?.... do people do that?

The rest of the time was spent reading stories, saying "this" and "that" about everything, and chasing down the dogs because they really needed their hair or teeth brushed.

By the end of the day we were both exhausted! 

Here we go on our new adventure into toddler-hood!

Dearest Olivine

Dear Olivine,

It was a year ago that you entered our lives. The day I met you was the best day of my life. The past year has gone by so quickly, and has been so full of amazing moments. Watching you grow, watching you learn, and change, has filled my days with joy and bliss. This year hasnt all been easy either. You are an amazing baby, but you are a baby, and babies can be hard. Being a new parent feels confusing, scary, and exhausting. I was so worried about every thing! Were you breathing at night? Were you eating enough? Too much? Was I somehow doing something that would mess you up... forever? Just when I would think I had something figured out, you would change, and I was back scrambling to find the new solution. You sure kept me on my toes sometimes!

The first couple months, you were easy. You slept all the time, and ate well. We took you everywhere, and I remember thinking: "What was everyone talking about? This is EASY". You only cried when you were hungy, and then would be happy once fed again. Easy Easy. I had my own issues that werent easy, like difficulty nursing and loads of feelings of guilt and inadiquacy. But you, were this little swaddled, sleeping, angel.

Then you hit a bump in the road the doctors called colic and/or acid reflux. I would hold you while you would just scream and scream and scream! Nothing I would do would help you. I felt helpless, scared, and so bad! Luckily, the doctor put you on medication and changed your formula to milk allergy formula, and TADA! You were back to happy baby. You would smile, and laugh and it was so amazing watching you "wake up" to the world. You would stare at everything. You were alert and happy!

Then, you figured out how to move around. You decided very early that you wanted to do and see everything! You were rolling by 4 months, and crawling by 7. You were grabbing everything and putting everything in your mouth! You teethed fast too, you were just on the go!

In the past year I have come to learn different parts of your blooming personality. You have always been so determinded and focused. You know what you want, and you work and work till you get it. You are easy to please, and adaptable to different situations. You love people! You love attention. You love to laugh. Your so sweet. You give kisses. Your also so beautiful! Your hair is growning into this amazing curly honey-gold color. Your eyes are crystal blue, like your father's. Everywhere we go people stop me and tell me how adorable you are, and you are.

I am so proud of you. Everything you do, everything you are, is just perfect. I know that your far too young to understand any of this that I am writing, but I imagine you as an adult reading this. I wonder what you will be like then. I wonder if your personality will remain this way. I wonder how you enjoyed your childhood. All of this I wonder, but one thing I do know is that I will still love you more than describable. I know that how ever you end up, I will still be proud of you, and would gladly give my life for your happiness. You are my love, and always will be my baby girl.